I have tried for so long to control our life to become everything I imagined it to be.

I was surprised to find that after I finally began to let go, a deep sense of peace began to wash over my heart. A peace that I didn’t know to be possible.

A few months ago, I woke up one day and realized I couldn’t imagine stories that had played out countless times in my head. Like what it would feel like to see a positive pregnancy test, how I would share the news Kyle, or how incredible it would be to experience a baby fluttering in my belly.

I tried grasping…..grasping at something that wasn’t there. Those stories in my head had become like a blurry photographs. 

Confused at first, I contemplated and reflected on what it might mean. Had it just been so long that my imagination could no longer put the pieces together?  Was it me protecting my own heart?…From the hurting? The wishing? The waiting? Or perhaps…maybe, I was beginning to let go….of our timing. The way we imagined it.

Yes. My will was slowly being softened. I could finally hear God’s invitation for me to rest in His goodness and begin to learn the art of surrender; which I would come to practice again and again and again…

Not long after, it was as if He took hold of my hand…like a Father who takes hold of their child’s hand as they walk through a crowded street. As I let go of the story my heart ached for….feelings that I hadn’t experienced in a long time started coming back to me; feelings of hope, excitement, wonder, and curiosity. We began to see visions of a future that wasn’t planned by US.

Has anything physically changed in our life?…..no. But it’s our hearts that are changing. Still unsure of what our life will look like years from now – we both can feel our faith being stretched.

It goes without saying that this doesn’t mean we don’t struggle. Kyle and I are nearing 7 years of infertility…gosh…I would never have thought we’d still be here. As I said in the beginning, it’s the reason I have to practice surrendering daily – especially on those sad days.

Do you want to know what I’ve learned recently though? It is so easy to profess your Faith in God…but actually walking that road? Actually choosing to love Him above EVERYTHING else? That is very different. Because that means completely entrusting him with our greatest desire.

A favorite quote of mine is:

The crucial questions when it comes to faith is not “Do I trust God?” but “Is God trustworthy?” And the only way to answer it is by leaning into His merciful arms and letting go.

Colleen Carroll Campbell, My Sisters the Saints

What a journey this has been and continues to be. While in prayer the other day, I felt as if I could hear God ask, “Can you see it? Do you feel it?”.

I can.

Even in the most difficult seasons, Kyle and I are learning how to still seek peace and joy. Our life is one that is filled with so many blessings, so many beautiful relationships, and so much love. I know with complete certainty that He is walking every step of this journey with us. He is bringing good out of our suffering and is preparing a way for us. 

Two years ago, I fell hard and it was messy as a spiralled into a bout of anxiety. I put too much reliance in myself and could no longer hang on to the last thread that was holding me up.

I wanted to create a visual representation of how I feel right now:

From the outside looking in, it may seem as if I’m falling….but the foundation on which I now stand on is sturdy…He is holding me up.

As I let go…He is there to catch me. I lean into His merciful arms.

Every dawn of every day. I will continue to allow Him to lead me.

Hand in hand.