“Compassion is not a virtue – it is a commitment. It’s not something we have or don’t have – it’s something we choose to practice.”

– Brene Brown

 

First and foremost:

Although this is a post dedicated to our family and friends, WE must first remember to have compassion ourselves. Even though someone may ask a question or respond in a way that hurts, please don’t forget that their intentions are well. Unless they have gone through something similar, they won’t be able to understand exactly what it’s like. Some feel the need to fill silence with just anything because they don’t know what to say.

Compassion is something I pray that I will always have. Most of the time, God holds me up in those moments and reminds me that they are well-meaning friends. I am so blessed that even my friends who can’t relate, are naturally very compassionate and sympathetic. Hold those people close to your heart!

Secondly. It’s is our duty to kindly direct close family and friends as to what kind of support we need. Asking this doesn’t make you needy, controlling, bossy, or weak. This is something I am still learning to do and am never disappointed by the response and love I get.

I remember sitting down with my physiologist. I just finished filling her in on our current infertility frustrations and struggles. She asked the single and most powerful question I have received during the past 6 years of our journey.

“Wow. I can’t imagine how difficult that must be for you. How are you doing?”

Tears poured down my face.

The words were uncomplicated and sincere. It felt so good to be asked the question and vocalize out-loud how we are coping. As I was walking out of our appointment, I couldn’t stop reflecting on her simple question. Whether or not we can relate to the sufferings of those around us, this is something we should remember to ask our family or friends.

This leads me into my first starting point…

Listen, Be Present & Ask Helpful Questions.

Truly listening to someone in itself is a gift. A rare one that I think most of us don’t know how to do (hello! including myself!). Instead of worrying what you are going to respond with, concentrate on just listening. Having someone that will listen can be so therapeutic to those struggling.

Trust me.

Sometimes it can feel awkward to begin sharing our struggles out-of-the-blue. It can be so helpful to ask good questions to show that you care and that they can lean on you. Some examples may include:

• I can’t imagine how hard it must be on you. How are you *really* doing?
• How do you find you grieve?
• Are there particular things that trigger your grief?
• Should I assume that you’ll share your struggles when you’re ready?
• You aren’t alone in this struggle. Let me walk with you through it. How can I serve you best?

 

I just asked my friend when she’s planning on starting a family. They have infertility. Help! How do I respond?

Although it’s easy for both people in this situation to feel awkward – there is no need. This is a good “filler” question that we are so used to asking when trying to strike up a conversation with someone. “When are you getting married?”, “When are you having children?” OR maybe even…“How many kids do you have?”.

I used to feel like I had to make up a long story so that the person didn’t feel awkward or bad. Now I simply say, “We have been trying for a long time but would be so thrilled to be blessed with a child!” (and sometimes – please pray for us!). They usually respond with, “Oh my…I’m so sorry I didn’t know”. And that’s okay.

We are all human and can end up getting ourselves into awkward conversations. How does that saying go?….It’s only awkward if you make it awkward 🙂

Avoid “quick fix” responses.

The following responses are ones I get often and can really hurt:

• Everything happens for a reason. You’ll have a baby when it’s meant to be!
• I heard of a friend and her husband who got really drunk and ended up getting pregnant. Take the pressure off!
• My friend was ready to adopt and as soon as they were ready to sign the papers…BOOM…pregnant! Maybe you need to try that.
• I know someone who struggled with infertility – they tried *blank* and it worked. That could be your answer! (This especially for people who have been struggling for years. There is a good chance they have looked into every option. It’s okay to be able to sympathize and tell someone that you know of someone struggling with the same thing. If they are searching for answers, they will likely ask you what they did to help.)
• Phrases that start with “At least”. Example:
  • At least you already have one child.
  • (After a miscarriage) At least you know you can get pregnant.

 

Although you may not mean any harm my well-meaning friend, try avoiding these responses. If you don’t know what to say, less is often best.

Pray for the childless.

I’ve been in that situation with others. They are going through something HARD. You feel so helpless and your heart just hurts for them.

I know for me, when people tell me they are praying for me, I feel as if they have given me something. Physically  something. Prayer is powerful. And in our situation, offering prayers is something people CAN do to actively help us in our suffering.

There isn’t a doubt in my mind that we are able to live with this cross and still experience so much joy in our every day life. It is most certainly because of the many prayers we have gotten. And for the people who I know are continuing to pray for us.

♥ A special thank you to the reader:

If you are reading this…thank you. The fact that you have taken time out of your day to see how you can support someone you know going through infertility shows your compassion and love that you have for them.

Finding a good community to weather the difficult walk of infertility is key.

There are many different ways that people like to be supported in their journey with hardship. Offering to walk with them and be there for them in whichever capacity they need you to be is so powerful.

Let’s “practice” compassion together!