Resistance.

Every time I begin to share something about our infertility, I encounter resistance. I feel the urge to keep it to myself. It’s just SO private and intimate.

A good friend of mine said that she loved my last Instagram update (click here if you haven’t read) and was curious as to why I share. Is it for strength? What makes me want to share such an intimate detail of our life? At first I was a bit taken aback…I wasn’t sure. I told her that I supposed a bit of both. Since then, and because so many beautiful women have messaged to thank me for sharing my story, I really wanted to reflect on my why:

I share for connection and strength. In a very general sense, we all have struggles we go through. For Kyle and I…some days are really tough. Leaning into the hard moments, sharing the triumphs, and accepting support from the people around me has resulted in a lot of self-growth.

We are in this together. Isn’t that comforting?

In a matter of 3 short months, God opened a lot of doors for us. It was a flood of graces. Within that time, we were able to get two surgeries regarding our unexplained infertility.

Although I said that I wouldn’t be shocked if they went in and couldn’t find a cause, I was a bit taken aback when the doctor told us that I have stage 4 endometriosis. The different levels which range from 1 to 4 depend on the severity of the condition – 4 being the worst.

My body was covered in it.

Ugh.

I was torn. A part of me was a shocked, concerned, and had SO many questions. The other part of me, however, was so relieved that we finally had an answer, a cause for our infertility. God designed our bodies to bear children, so when we are unable to conceive, it likely means that there is an underlying health issue. I just knew in my heart after having done almost every test under the sun that something wasn’t right. I could write an entire post about my frustration with doctors who dismissed my pain (as I know this is extremely common…I’m so sorry for all the women who are also told this) and would just label us with “unexplained infertility”…but would there be a point? I can say with full honestly that looking back…I am grateful for the good that God allowed to come from it over the years. I have learned to self-advocate, self-educate, and to follow my intuition. Amazingly enough, shortly after being diagnosed, we met with an incredible specialist who performed our second surgery to get rid of all the endometriosis that she could.

After I came home from my most recent surgery, I stood hunched over staring at my new marks in front of a mirror. I would be lying if I said that negative thoughts didn’t go through my mind. As does everyone, I have my own insecurities: the scars that mark my stomach being one of them. Even though Kyle has taught me that perfection isn’t beauty – it is something I still have to continually work on.

Our road in wanting to start a family hasn’t always been easy and boy-oh-boy has it grown us. After I reflected on this, when I looked at my stomach and saw every little and big imperfection…I thought of that…and how there is just SO much more to my story than the way my body looks. It’s what’s inside: the person that I am and am growing towards becoming.

Slowly…my negative thoughts dissipated and I began weeping happy tears as I admired my new battle scars.

Alright. So what does this mean for us you may ask?

Our chances have increased significantly. Our specialist said she was able to leave my body endometriosis free and fertility should be optimal for 2 years. She was also confident that a successful pregnancy and breastfeeding should keep the endometriosis at bay for years to come. Praise…God.

Because nothing is guaranteed, it also means that we have to continue to walk blindly forward trusting in God’s plan for us.

When thoughts of doubt, questions about God’s time, or frustration with lack of control consume my mind…I am reminded that in a way – nothing has changed from before. We still have to continue to remain close in prayer, communicate with each other on the tough days, unite together in our suffering, and continue to allow the hard days to grow us. What a wild journey the past almost 6 years have been.

It’s not easy…but I’m trying.

To all who are walking the same road: remember that sharing your story holds so much power. Sharing doesn’t mean you have to announce it on social media. It can also look like: sitting down with your spouse to pour your heart out, carving out time for daily prayer, or talking to family, friends, or a psychologist.

If you have any questions…reach out. I would love to hear from you!