I sat in my chair watching the curser blink.

Where to even begin? So much has taken place since my last blog post regarding our infertility.

In reflecting, I guess this “new” chapter began in late 2020 when God began to plant the seeds of adoption in my heart.

One morning, I woke with a dream that felt so vivid. I don’t often remember dreams – but this one was different. I wrote it down as soon as I woke up so I wouldn’t forget the details. This is what I wrote:

I dreamt of you last night…

I walked into the church and asked the priest, “Father, how will we know if adoption is for us? How will we know if it’s what God is calling us to?” Discouraged, I hung my head. When I looked up, it wasn’t our priest, but in his place…Jesus. He said in such a gentle and loving voice, “Come, follow me my daughter,” and reached out his hand. He lead me through a door in the church which opened up to a hospital room. To my left, a mother was laying in the bed. They placed the baby in my arms. A tiny bundle…as light as a feather and as perfect as ever.

I looked down and our eyes met each other. Your tiny hand wrapped around my finger. It nearly took my breath away.

Nothing felt more right. In an instant, the missing part of my heart was filled. I yelled for Kyle, “Come! You need to hold this child. We don’t need to conceive a baby ourselves in order for us to become a family. Hold her, you’ll see.”

In an instant, we became one. Love so deep that it radiated from our hearts. So bright.

As you can imagine, the dream stuck with me. It had such a lasting effect – and still does. It was the domino that fell which prompted me to think more and more about it.

Eventually I decided to talk with Kyle about adoption.

Our conversation didn’t go as I had hoped. He voiced concerns and that he felt very hesitant to move forward unless he was invested whole heartedly. On the drive to work that morning I cried to God in prayer, “God…why are you leading me here if Kyle isn’t ready? Even though my heart is afraid too…I’m willing to do whatever it is you will for us. If this is it…you need to change Kyle’s heart – otherwise it stops here.”

We both had to be 110% on the same page before taking a step forward in that direction.

Not always is God’s timing in sync with our own, however, this situation was very different. I tear up every time I reflect on His goodness and power. To know how hesitant Kyle felt about the situation and how he is today…I could only believe that it was God who could change his heart so drastically.

I had shared some beautiful quotes that I came across – not to put pressure on him, rather, I felt moved enough in my heart with the beauty of them and in less than a week, I got a text from him that read:

I feel like recently adoption has been on my mind a lot. I think it would be a good idea to get some information from some of our friends who have adopted. As odd as it sounds, those quotes you sent me really struck me. 

In a short time, God used a situation to gently open Kyle’s heart. I prayed for it to be changed and JUST like that he became open to a future we had not originally planned for.

From then on, it’s been a wild journey. We went from chatting with some friends about it, to signing up for a course, to praying about it A LOT and with the support of our family and friends, we took our first step forward by putting our name on a waiting list.

Originally I was prepared to wait to share this new chapter toward adoption until we were on an active waiting list. However, that milestone has proven to be a moving target. You see, the waiting list is so long that there is a pre-waiting list. When we first met with lovely folks at the adoption agency we chose they gave us some timelines to expect: 10-12 months until you will be put on the active waiting list and then approximately another 3-5 years until you are placed with an adoption. These numbers were hard to hear but we strived to resist the temptation to put our timing above the perfect timing of God.

Here we are 10 months later. After following up with the adoption agency they told us the disheartening news that adoptions have really slowed down and we will likely wait for at least another 6 months before getting a call to be put on the active waiting list and that it could likely be 5 years beyond that before we have a family. This was devastating news to hear as it has already been such a long journey.

It felt like starting over.

Originally I was going to wait and share about our recent change in direction until after we were on the waiting list – but it looks like our “pre-waiting” list is longer than we originally expected with the recent slowing down in adoption. Our agency told us around 10 months on the pre-waiting list…which had lapsed…but its looking like an additional 6 months before we get on, and then another 5 possible years after that to be matched with a baby. The hurting parts of my heart cries out as I type this! Kyle held me tight as I cried to him, worried that I couldn’t wait that long on top of our already 7+ year infertility journey.

And although we have to mourn that possibility, one of our good friends reminded us that God knows and sees our hearts! After all, He is the one who put the strong desire there to begin with. Discouraged by the wait time she told me that God is not bound by human timelines.

I hold on to that hope very much.

To end…there is still much I could share, however, my mother encouraged me to be open with this new chapter. Because you just never know the ways in which God will work to bring a child to us. May it be known to everyone where we stand.

For now – I will leave it with a note:

To our future child,

We have no doubt that you are out there. That God has already created your inmost self…and will knit you together in your mother’s womb when it is time. Please know that He has already stitched you together in our hearts.

God keeps putting on my heart a lovely image…of your dad and I sitting together cradling you so tight as we admire your perfection. I look down and in an instant…just like my dream…it all makes sense…

The waiting. The wishing. The longing.

God’s timing IS perfect. And we’ll continue to wait and trust no matter how hard or painful it can sometimes be.

We will wait for you our sweet little miracle. 💛

With love built up in our hearts and ready to pour upon you,

Your future Mother & Father xx